Pre-Reading Disclaimer:
Before we begin, it’s important to note that this blog post is not a substitute for professional therapy or counselling. While we’ll be discussing Schema Therapy themes in MAFs, it’s essential to seek professional support if you’re struggling with mental health issues. In the analysis of MAFs episodes we hope to introduce you to new language around emotions and situations you may see on the show.
MAFS Blog Series
Married at First Sight (affectionately known as MAFS) is a reality television show wherein each contestant is matched with another by a panel of ‘relationship experts’. They meet for the first time at their wedding, after which they enter into a ‘social experiment’ where they live together and complete challenges which are said to replicate the conditions of a long term relationship. Viewers at home are privy to all of the highs and lows – it can be a rollercoaster ride at times!
The purpose of our MAFS blog series is for light entertainment, while also giving us the opportunity to provide some education around different relationship dynamics from a Schema Therapy perspective. Schemas are core beliefs we hold about ourselves and the way we view the world, while modes are different ways we use to cope and can influence our behaviours.
MAFs Episode Content Update:
We saw conflict between Sara and Tim at the dinner party. Throughout the week, Tim was left feeling disappointed by Sara cancelling three dates that he had organised for them in a row. When this was raised at the dinner party, Sara became defensive: raising her voice, cutting Tim off, and deflecting his concerns.
Bully and attack mode:
This behaviour can look like criticising, dismissing or humiliating others. As we saw in this episode of MAFS, Sara portrayed Tim as needy and insecure, while she became reactive and dismissive of Tim’s concerns, and took no accountability for her role in the dynamic.
Key points:
- People engage in the bully and attack mode as a way to protect themselves and to get their needs met in the moment, but ultimately, it leads to pushing people away.
- The underlying function of the bully and attack mode tries to deflect all negative attention onto others so that no one sees the real them.
- They will look for easy targets to intimidate and overpower.
- When others verbalise their needs, the bully and attack mode may hear it as a criticism, get very defensive, and go on the attack. This includes projecting insecurities about their own flaws into attacks on others.
Common childhood experience
Too often, this is a learnt behaviour as they were bullied by their own parents or other figures when they were younger, so they take it out on others to gain some control and power within their lives because they didn’t have any when they were younger.
Underneath all of this sound and fury is an insecure inner child who feels rejected.
For those on the receiving end of the bully and attack mode, they can be left feeling hurt, belittled and pushed out. This can make relational repair very challenging. If you recognise these patterns in yourself or your relationships, and you want more support, reach out to Centre Self Collective for individual counselling or group therapy.
See if you can notice the bully and attack mode emerging on MAFS, while being mindful of the impact seeing this behaviour can have on your wellbeing. If the show is bringing things up for you, support is available. The beauty of reality TV is that we can all relate to some aspects, despite how unrealistic it may seem at times. Sometimes watching these shows can be a springboard for meaningful conversations, which is what we are hoping to achieve, including over on our Instagram page!