As humans, we thrive on connection and communication, especially with those we hold closest to our hearts. It’s no surprise that the way we think about, talk to, and treat our intimate partners profoundly impacts not only our relationships but our lives as a whole.
In a serious monogamous relationship, your partner often becomes the most significant person in your life. So, when challenges arise within that relationship, both partners feel the effects deeply. Because of this closeness, partners can also hurt each other in ways that casual acquaintances never could.
These intimate relationships often become the stage where past attachment issues, trauma, and negative habits come to play. Sometimes, the way we act toward our partner reflects behaviors carried over from previous relationships or learned in childhood. In such cases, our actions might have little to do with our current partner and more to do with our past experiences.
Enter the Gottmans—John and Julie, a dynamic duo whose research and clinical expertise have given us profound insights into relationships. One of their most well-known concepts is the “Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse,” a clever yet impactful way to describe behaviors that can signal trouble ahead.
Criticism
Consider this example: “Your friends are irresponsible weirdos. They’re selfish, and you’re selfish for running off with them all the time! You’re immature and only care about yourself.”
Criticism is inevitable in any relationship. However, problems arise when it becomes frequent, turns into personal attacks, or implies a lack of competence. A more constructive approach might sound like this: “Hey, when you go out with your friends without inviting me or letting me know, I get worried and feel excluded.” Shifting from “you” statements to “I” statements can transform what feels like an attack into an opportunity for a heartfelt discussion.
Contempt
Now, imagine this scenario: “Oh, you’ve had a tough day at work and feel tired? Boo Hoo! Why don’t you go have a nap like the toddler that you are! That’s right, have a cry, you crybaby—you don’t see me blubbering about how tough my life is.”
Contempt arises from underlying negative thoughts and feelings, often intertwining with criticism but taking it a step further by assuming a position of superiority. In the example above, the speaker assumes they are “tougher” than their partner, making their partner’s “weakness” something to be mocked.
Contempt is the most dangerous of the Four Horsemen, often signaling an impending breakup or divorce. Instead, a compassionate approach might be: “Hey, it seems like you’re not feeling so great. Is there anything I can do to help?” Building compassion is a journey, but it’s the best antidote to contempt.
Defensiveness
Let’s look at another example: “Hey, have you unpacked the dishwasher?” “Why are you asking me? There’s no reason you can’t check for yourself.”
Defensiveness is a common response to criticism, whether it’s from the current relationship or past experiences. While everyone can be defensive at times, consistently responding this way can shut down conversations and escalate conflicts. A more open response might be: “I’m not sure if it’s packed or unpacked. Want me to check?” Removing the defensive edge invites collaboration rather than conflict.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling doesn’t have a clear conversational example because it looks like avoidance—zoning out, not responding, or physically and emotionally withdrawing from the interaction. If your partner seems present in the room but mentally somewhere else, that’s a sign of stonewalling.
This behavior often arises when someone feels overwhelmed or threatened, triggering a “freeze” response. Over time, stonewalling can create a significant disconnect between partners.
At the core of the Gottman Method is helping couples develop positive communication habits while breaking the ones that cause harm. Their approach includes exercises and activities designed to strengthen the connection between partners, ensuring they remain close and communicate effectively. This process is especially important for long-term couples, as it helps them stay in tune with who their partner is now, not just who they were when they first met.
The Gottman Method, created by Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, is a well-regarded treatment modality for couples. With decades of research and clinical experience behind it, this method is backed by extensive scientific studies and has proven effective for countless couples.
If any of these ideas resonate with you, or if you’re considering couples counseling, we invite you to explore our couples counseling services at Centre Self Collective.