Pre-Reading Disclaimer:
Before we begin, it’s important to note that this blog post is not a substitute for professional therapy or counselling. While we’ll be discussing Schema Therapy themes in MAFs, it’s essential to seek professional support if you’re struggling with mental health issues. In the analysis of MAFs episodes we hope to introduce you to new language around emotions and situations you may see on the show.
MAFS Blog Series
Married at First Sight (affectionately known as MAFS) is a reality television show wherein each contestant is matched with another by a panel of ‘relationship experts’. They meet for the first time at their wedding, after which they enter into a ‘social experiment’ where they live together and complete challenges which are said to replicate the conditions of a long term relationship. Viewers at home are privy to all of the highs and lows – it can be a rollercoaster ride at times!
The purpose of our MAFS blog series is for light entertainment, while also giving us the opportunity to provide some education around different relationship dynamics from a Schema Therapy perspective. Schemas are core beliefs we hold about ourselves and the way we view the world, while modes are different ways we use to cope and can influence our behaviours.
MAFs Episode Content Update:
- Once again, the dinner party provides an environment where modes come to light.
- Throughout the season Timothy has been quite closed off and guarded. In recent episodes we have seen him open up, and he described that his walls have come down with his wife Lucinda.
- We can see that his relationship has become more playful and their relationship has become closer. We love to see it.
- When people take accountability for their maladaptive coping behaviours, we can see in this instance that this has led to a better connection in his relationship with Lucinda. At this dinner party, Timothy becomes emotional as he expresses the impact of his detached protector.
Modes that showed up in the Episode:
- Detached protector mode: a detached protector is a coping behaviour where we see people shut off from their emotions. It manifests as a psychological defense mechanism, characterised by emotional detachment, aloofness and a tendency to avoid intimacy or closeness with others. They have learned to suppress their emotions and distance themselves from others as a means of self-protection. Sometimes with this mode, people often say that they feel nothing, or feel numb, even in reference to painful experiences.
- It’s common to reject help from others, as it serves as a shield against threats to their emotional wellbeing, such as rejection, abandonment or betrayal. We have seen in the season that this is what Timothy has done – He has actively avoided conversation topics with Lucinda; keeping his feelings hidden and inaccessible.
- Timothy has been involved in a lot of drama on the show and what’s been going on for other relationships. One could suggest that this may serve as a distraction, which is a great way to avoid what’s going on internally for him.
- In this episode, Timothy expressed that he has been wasting time on the experiment, and he is feel regretful for not having an open heart. He stated “It’s easy to be hated. It’s hard to be liked”, which really highlights how scary vulnerability may feel for him. While the detached protector mode may provide temporary relief from emotional pain, it can also hinder people’s ability to form meaningful relationships. It’s an insightful moment where he is taking ownership of the way his behaviour has hindered the relationship.
Where to Get Support:
- If these schemas and modes are resonating with you, either within yourself or from those around you, support is available at Centre Self Collective.
Conclusion:
- If someone is behaving in an overly closed off way and seems to be putting people at a distance, it may be a detached protector mode in action.
- This mode is usually in response to feeling scared of vulnerability, and allows the detached protector to avoid these painful feelings in the short term.
- There are other, more positive ways to respond to these feelings, which will ultimately better meet core emotional needs and without the negative impact on interpersonal relationships – Centre Self Collective can assist you in exploring this.