Pre-Reading Disclaimer:
Before we begin, it’s important to note that this blog post is not a substitute for professional therapy or counselling. While we’ll be discussing Schema Therapy themes in MAFs, it’s essential to seek professional support if you’re struggling with mental health issues. In the analysis of MAFs episodes we hope to introduce you to new language around emotions and situations you may see on the show.
MAFS Blog Series
Married at First Sight (affectionately known as MAFS) is a reality television show wherein each contestant is matched with another by a panel of ‘relationship experts’. They meet for the first time at their wedding, after which they enter into a ‘social experiment’ where they live together and complete challenges which are said to replicate the conditions of a long term relationship. Viewers at home are privy to all of the highs and lows – it can be a rollercoaster ride at times!
The purpose of our MAFS blog series is for light entertainment, while also giving us the opportunity to provide some education around different relationship dynamics from a Schema Therapy perspective. Schemas are core beliefs we hold about ourselves and the way we view the world, while modes are different ways we use to cope and can influence our behaviours.
MAFs Episode Content Update:
- At this week’s dinner party, Jayden and Eden feel the pressure of the experiment and had an argument that seemed to go around in circles, causing Eden in particular quite a lot of distress.
- Up until recently, Jayden and Eden have been considered the ‘golden couple’, however their relationship has been taken off the pedestal after the challenges of their differing communication styles was revealed on the couch in front of the experts last week. Eden has expressed that her anxiety is increasing over the last couple of weeks, and Jayden has expressed that he is struggling to respond to this. We know that modes arise when people are feeling stressed or vulnerable.
Modes that showed up in the Episode:
- Compliant surrenderer: this mode looks like appeasing others to avoid conflict and keep the relationship going, perhaps in an attempt for self preservation. It’s important to the compliant surrenderer to maintain their connection, and they are prepared to tolerate unmet needs in order to do so. However, it can be very hard for them to set boundaries and express healthy needs, which can leave them feeling unseen and even resentful.
- Eden tells the cameras that she is afraid of conflict with Jayden, and just “cops” criticism from him in an attempt not to lose him and to end the conversation. This kind of thinking and behaviour are common for the compliant surrenderer mode.
- Compliant surrenderer can be an effective mode for avoiding conflict, however it doesn’t enable open communication about what core emotional need is not being met. Without addressing this, the same conflicts may continue to arise and cause longer term problems for the relationship. Open communication is an important component of healthy relationships.
Where to Get Support:
- If these schemas and modes are resonating with you, either within yourself or from those around you, support is available at Centre Self Collective.
Conclusion:
- If someone is behaving in an overly closed off way and seems to be putting people at a distance, it may be a detached protector mode in action.
- This mode is usually in response to feeling scared of vulnerability, and allows the detached protector to avoid these painful feelings in the short term.
- There are other, more positive ways to respond to these feelings, which will ultimately better meet core emotional needs and without the negative impact on interpersonal relationships – Centre Self Collective can assist you in exploring this.