By Tamera Broughton
So here we are, in January…
For some, the end of the year represents stress and hardship. I see you. Take a deep breath, show yourself some kindness – you got through it.
The new year is also a time when we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to achieve big things.
If you are anything like me, you’ve set yourself dozens of New Year’s resolutions over the years. If you’re also like me then you’ve found most of them don’t stick. Or maybe you kept your resolution, and you didn’t experience the big, meaningful change you were hoping for. Why is that?
Today I want to offer you a bit of different way to approach effective goal setting, as well as some tips to help you stay motivated, focused and achieve what’s actually important to you.
Goal setting and behaviour change – understanding what’s involved
When we set New Year’s resolutions, what we’re really doing is drawing on two distinct psychological processes – goal setting and behaviour change. There is much literature and many schools of thought and perspectives within psychology and neuroscience in particular, surrounding these processes.
Goal setting and behaviour change aren’t easy. As James Clear says, “goal setting is not only about choosing the rewards you want to enjoy, but also the cost you are willing to pay.” Setting goals means acknowledging and being prepared to put in the work. We often need to change our behaviour, which takes mental and physical effort, dedication, consistency and determination.
In The New Rulebook, Chris Cheers offers us a reframe on the concepts of change and goal setting. He notes that long-term goals sometimes trick us into thinking that we’re in complete control of life, which can set us up for failure. He suggests that we focus more on what we’re in control of – the here and now – and dedicate our energy to changes we can make that will significantly shift our life. “It’s not about a dream that you want your life to take, but an action that takes a big step towards it.” It’s a bold, pragmatic leap – big change. Interesting.
Chris goes on to explain that our brains and nervous systems were shaped a long time ago by our prehistoric ancestors. Those who were more risk adverse and vigilant to danger had a better chance of survival. So, it’s actually a survival legacy that has been passed down to us, that change means uncertainty which creates anxiety and fear, leaving us less likely to action change and more likely to avoid short term discomfort. It’s this anticipation of discomfort that can prevent people from considering the change that will ultimately benefit them and not even set goals or action change in the first place. If this sounds familiar, you’re just very human.
Figuring out what we really want
But how do we know which goals or the big change we should be aiming for? Here is the important part.
There is so much pressure in our society today to BE something. Be skinny, be young, be fit, be rich, be successful, be social, be healthy, be happy. It’s kind of like the message is: be anything except what we already are. It makes complete sense then that we would craft our goals that are more about conformity.
The problem with this is that it rarely speaks to our actual, valid, real-life human needs. Being too focused on the expectations of others rarely helps us to achieve what we all really want – quality of life that feels meaningful to us. Our goals end up feeling empty at best and possibly actively harmful for us at worst. So of course, we don’t stick with them, and that can leave us feeling like a failure or like there is something wrong with us. I want to assure you friends, that there is nothing wrong with you.
There is also nothing wrong with wanting big change for yourself and or wanting to set goals to achieve that change. But I want to give you permission to shut out all the external noise, go inwards and really connect with what the need is that is driving the change you seek.
For example, a common new year’s resolution is to exercise more. Why is that? I think a lot of us feel the pressure to fit a particular body size and shape, so sometimes the drive to exercise is actually more about shame or judgment.
What if, instead, we had a goal of wanting to exercise more but was able to connect with a super valid, and also very human, underlying need? Well then, it might sound something like; I need movement to keep my body healthy and feel better. Or I need movement to have fun. Or I need movement to connect with others. Or I need movement to help me manage and move stress out of my body. Connecting with the underlying need (feeling physically better, connecting with others, having fun, managing stress) then becomes a far more motivating and authentic reason to exercise. You are more likely to stick with it and it becomes an avenue whereby you are living the life that is meaningful to you and meeting your needs.
How to achieve big changes in five steps:
1. Be clear about your needs and values
From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective we talk a lot about values. What is important to you? Who do you want to be? How do you want to show up for friends and family or at work and in your community? In ACT the belief is that our needs and values should guide our behaviour, which helps us to live true to ourselves and our purpose and significantly increases our quality of life. So, I encourage you to reflect on your life right now. Are you able to name your needs and values? Does it feel like your needs are being met? What change is required to start meeting your needs and living your values? This is a really important step. Thinking about big change or setting goals in terms of your needs and values (what’s important to you, who you want to be, what you want to represent) will increase your commitment to behavior change, even when things feel hard. You can try the exercise from ACT Made Simple at the end of this article to get started.
2. Set your intention
Here’s where you get to have some fun. Visualize what you want, go wild – journal, create a vison board, start a Pinterest board, draw or paint your vision – do whatever gets you invested in your goal, excited for the possibilities and clear about what you’d like the end result to be.
3. Get specific in the here and now
What big step towards your goal can you make in the here and now? Here is a tool that may help. In the health field, where I come from, we love an acronym. Working in Mental Health we used the SMART tool to support clients to establish goals and work towards them. SMART stands for goals that are Specific, Measured, Achievable, Realistic and Time-based. Using a tool like this will help you develop a plan about what steps you need to take daily, weekly, monthly to move towards achieving your goal. The tool will also help you to work out ways of measuring your progress, and by setting yourself a timeframe to work within will help you stay focused and not get sidetracked.
4. Review your goal and progress regularly
In therapy, as a form of best practice, we regularly review goals and progress with our clients. This provides the opportunity to honestly reflect on how you are going. Are the things you’re doing actively helping you to achieve the change you really want? You may need to re-evaluate your actions or even the goal itself. This is not a failure. In fact, this is very important information for you to make informed choices which will help you achieve your desired outcome or improve your quality of life in the long run.
To make this step even more powerful, invite a friend or family member to be a part of this process. According to Dr Huberman, a central feature of goal attainment is actually fear of the consequences of not achieving the goal. So, including an element of accountability may provide the drive and determination to stick with your goal – even when that natural inclination to avoid the short-term discomfort kicks in.
5. Celebrate the wins
Life is all about the journey. Take the time to stop and reflect on your progress and celebrate the wins, little or big. Have fun, shower yourself with gratitude and kindness, be your own biggest cheer leader.
Make meaningful change
Setting New Year’s resolutions is really about getting clear on what your underlying needs and values are and then understanding the change required to achieve those goals. It takes considerable effort, dedication, consistency and determination. But also, bravery, self-compassion, reflection and honesty. Remember, we’re most in control of the change we can make in the here and now. But getting clear on your values will help you stay committed to behaviour change and your goals in the longer term. Use the SMART tool to help you get specific on your goal and create a plan for monitoring and evaluating progress, review regularity and celebrate your progress.
Need Help?
If you are keen to learn more about goal setting, I would recommend Atomic Habits by James Clear. If you feel stuck, a therapist can help you explore your values and set goals. At Centre Self Collective we have in-person and telehealth appointments available. You can book an appointment or explore some other resources on our website.
Tamera Broughton is a mental health clinician and director of Centre Self Collective.
Get clear on your values; ask yourself these questions – from ACT Made Simple by Dr Russ Harris
- What makes you feel proud, accomplished or fulfilled?
- What do you do for fun, leisure, relaxation, entertainment, creativity?
- When do you experience a sense of belonging, being fully alive, doing something important, connecting deeply with someone or something?
- When are you at your best in your relationships with family and friends, or at work? What are you like to be around, at those times?
- How do you treat others? How do you treat yourself?
- Who do you look up to, or respect or admire? What do you like about their personal qualities, their personality? What are they like as a person? What do they stand for? If you had to choose two or three words to describe their best attributes, what words would you use? Think – are these the qualities you would like to bring into your own life?